Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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