Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
