I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
