Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
