halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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