i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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