he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
