Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
