My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
