I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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