forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I CAN MOONWALK!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
