you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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