found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
