cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
