My hand turned me down
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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