i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
