He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
