I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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