all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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