she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
