i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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