Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
