Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
