It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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