were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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