You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
