My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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