You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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