Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
