I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
