In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
