I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
