just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
