Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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