I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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