Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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