where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Randomize
