that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
