Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
