Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
