I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
