i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
