I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
