how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
