my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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