my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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