At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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