I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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