i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
