Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
