Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
