Please, let me fuck your mom
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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