we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
