somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
